People with Asperger’s have to be taught the social skills that most people pick up easily. Having AS could be compared to trying to live in a foreign country, but not understanding the customs of the people. You do not dress like them, talk like them, or act like them. You try to fit in, but you don’t, because you do things that the natives consider strange or offensive. While you should retain your individuality, you must be taught to understand the social rules that are important to their culture. You can learn how not to offend people with your seeming disregard for what they would consider, expected, and obvious rules of behavior and conduct.
I have not officially been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (AS), but it explains my uncertainty and confusion in social situations. Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) explained a lot of the difficulties I had as a teen and young adult, but not all of them, Aspeger’s appears to be another piece of the puzzle. People who have SAD, are not confused by social situations, they are just extremely anxious. A lot of my family has aperger like traits, as well as varying degrees of Social Anxiety. To me this topic is fascinating! AS explains many of the things I have seen in myself and others, things that I never dreamed had a reasonable explanation.
In some ways, AS could be consider a gift, because some aspie’s have above average intelligence, and special talents and abilities. Unfortunately, others with AS do not fare as well. The social difficulties can be debilitating. Some have a hard time developing and maintaining close relationships, or getting and keeping a job. Depression and anxiety disorders are common. Important social skills are not understood. Asperger’s is now considered one of the Autism Spectrum Disorders. I feel AS is still a more precise description. People with AS have normal language and speech development, but also have some Autism traits, but to a lesser degree. If an individual who seems to have AS, did not speak in sentences by the age of 3, the diagnosis would likely be High-Functioning Autism, rather than Asperger’s.
I have read, and listened to a lot of great books and articles on Asperger Syndrome and Autism. I have also drawn from personal experiences, and have made connections not particularly mentioned in the books. I have tried to make this article accurate to the best of my knowledge, but I am sure it is not perfect. I loaned many of the books from the library in audio format, and have written from the ideas I remember. I have tried to only include Asperger traits that are mentioned in books on the subject.
All people do not experience Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) in the same way. Each person’s strengths and weaknesses vary a lot based on things like: personality, learning style, learning disabilities, special abilities, family life and learned skills. People with AS look normal, but brain scans are showing that their brains are wired differently. Here is my best effort in explaining AS, based on what I have read, experienced, and seen in others. Healthcare professionals are continuing to learn more about this increasingly common disorder.
Here are some AS traits. A lot more could be included and many things listed are not specific diagnostic criteria for AS, just traits that some aspie’s have. I have included a link to the diagnostic criteria at the bottom of the page.
Sensory issues; Trouble making eye contact; Poor coordination and balance, awkward run/walk, not good at sports; Have a hard time making friends and connecting with people; Not good at lying or acting; Honest, and expect that other people will be honest too; Love schedules, have a hard time adjusting when plans change; Poor handwriting or other fine motor skills; Stiff body language and facial expressions; Monotone voice, or strange inflection; Do not like, small talk; May get distracted by details, and miss the big picture; Repetitive movements, nodding, rocking, swaying etc..; Can spend hours doing monotonous tasks like, counting pennies, or sorting beads; See things as black or white, have a hard time with gray areas; Obsessive and unusual interests; May say things without using tact, too blunt; Extreme introversion;
At times they can be wrapped up in their own thoughts, completely unaware of what is going on around them; Normal or above average intelligence; Unbalanced abilities, good at some things, but noticeably weak in other areas; Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, depression and anxiety are common; Often bullied and teased; Not interested in popular culture, which can make it difficult to relate to their peers; Independent thinkers, many do not follow the crowd, but others try very hard to fit in; Talk too loud or too quiet; Hard time taking turns in conversations, they may do all of the talking, or hardly talk at all; Immature social skills compared to their peers; Serious; Do not like social mingling at parties; Like to collect things, or facts; Love science fiction or fantasy worlds; Difficulty seeing another person’s perspective; Misinterpret or not notice important social cues; Lonely; Poor self-esteem; May not understand abstract phrases, like be nice, or play fair; Poor facial recognition, and may have a hard time recognizing acquaintances; Difficulty understanding and expressing their feelings; May not think to ask other people questions; Some do not like to be touched; Have a hard time admitting they are wrong; Unusual dress; Poor hygiene
I truly marvel when I am in the presence of someone who is outgoing and gregarious. We all know people like this. They seem like they always know what to say. If someone shares bad news, they encourage them, and make them feel loved and understood. If someone shares good news, they show genuine excitement, and enthusiastically congratulate the person. If someone compliments them, they show thankfulness and gratitude, making the other person feel good too. When people visit their home, they make them feel welcome and comfortable. They have interesting things to say, and are often enthusiastically participating in conversations, or depicting their latest adventure.
In contrast, aspie’s often do not know what to say, when to say it, how to say it, and what not to say. Partially because of their lack of eye contact, they may miss non-verbal cues, which are said to convey as much as half of the conversations meaning. This is part of what makes conversations confusing. Aspie’s may not know if the person is teasing or serious. Was that statement figurative or literal? The main point of the conversation may be lost because aspie’s may focus on a small detail that was mentioned, instead of seeing the main point. They may make random statements that do not seem to apply to the conversation, because they get stuck on an unimportant detail, which leads their train of thought off topic. They have a hard time keeping up with the flow of the conversation, because it takes them longer to sort through the details of what was said, and compose their thoughts.
Socializing can be exhausting. Paying attention to and understanding what other people are saying, being aware of, and interpreting the other person’s body language and facial expressions, being aware of your own body language, remembering to make eye contact, trying to remember what you are going to say, and still pay attention to what the other person is saying. Aspie’s often do not make good first impressions, which can make talking to new people and acquaintances unpleasant and draining.
Aspie’s usually want and need friends. They may not need as many friends as most people, but they do want to have someone who understands them, someone they can hang out with, or talk to at school or work. They may not want to spend a ton of time with their friends, and can be overwhelmed by too much social interaction, but connecting with people is still very important to them. It is hard, because aspie’s often do not know how to interact with their peers and appear awkward and strange. People are drawn to others who are like them-self, because if you are like me, you are predictable, and I know what to expect from your behavior. If you are not one of these “normal” people, you are more likely to have trouble finding people you connect with, and social situations are often uncomfortable, because you have no one to talk to, or hang out with. Aspie’s may have felt rejected many times, and have given up hope of making friends, and wonder if it is even possible. It is no wonder that they often have low self-esteem. They desire relationships, but do not know what they are doing that makes other people not able or willing to connect with them. Many aspie’s find that their closest friends also have many of the traits of AS.
With practice, some aspie’s develop really good people skills, they learn what they are expected to do or say in social situations. In trying so hard to fit in and be like everyone else, they lose their own identity. They become like a chameleon, always changing to conform to whomever they are with. They may feel like this is the only way they can have friends and get along with people. Others may be quite eccentric and do not try to fit in, they don’t care about what other people think, and may do things that other people find very strange or offensive.
Many with AS have unusual body language. They may not understand how they come across, and what their body language is saying to other people. Their body language, tone of voice and facial expressions can be stiff and inexpressive. They often avoid eye contact, and some make unusual gestures. Their body language may be conveying a totally different message than they think. If you tell them they needed to smile, they may say, but I am smiling. They may not look genuine when saying things like, “thank you”, or “congratulations.”
People with AS may not realize that other peoples’ perspectives are different from their own. They assume that other people see and experience things in the same way they do. Likewise, it may not be very apparent to their families, what is different about them, because most aspie’s function fairly normal in many areas, and they are academically capable. There are things in the social realm that they just do not get. Depending on their particular difficulties, and experiences, they may be missing a lot. They can learn how to pay attention to the social things that they normally would not notice. This will happen some as they get older and have more life experience, but especially in their teens and early 20’s they are often far behind their peers in their social skills. The wiring to the social parts of the brain are weak, but they have other connections that the average person does not have. Many of the smart nerdy types, who often have poor social skills and wear unfashionable clothes, have many of the common traits of people with AS.
Sensory issues can be huge problem for people with AS. Loud, sudden, or repetitive noises can drive them crazy. The flashing of fluorescent lights, or a waving flag outside can be so distracting, that they can not pay attention to anything else. They often do not think to, or know how to verbalize what is keeping them from concentrating. If they are squirming because their wool sweater is itchy, they may not realize that they can take it off. They may feel like it is part of them, and nothing can be done about it. When asked “why are you squirming?” they may just say, “I don’t know.” They may feel agitated, but can’t think of the words to describe or explain what is bothering them.
If our society did not have people on the Autism Spectrum, we likely would not have much of the technology we have today. Most people are too busy with the social aspects of life, to put in the solitary time, and have the extreme focus that is required to create artistic masterpieces, musical compositions, computer programs and other technology.
Besides having trouble in social situations, the other main thing aspie’s are known for is their special interests. These interests can dominate their time, thoughts, and conversations. They may be obsessed with things like: computers, math, music, art, video games, weather, air conditioners, dinosaurs, trains, animals, or nature. Sometimes their interest can be very unusual, they may choose some random object that they associate with a good memory or feeling. These things can consume the majority of their free time, and can be a big part of their identity. They can become depressed if they are prevented from engaging in their hobbies, and have a hard time finding anything else they want to do.
Many of their hobbies are solitary, a way to relax and get away from stress, and people. When involved in a particularly interesting hobby, they may not want to take a break even to eat, use the bathroom, or sleep. They need to be encouraged to expand their interests into related and possibly more useful fields of study. The great thing is that if they can build their career around a special interest, they can have a fulfilling career and be very successful. With their different way of thinking, and attention to detail, they often become an expert in their field.
My special interests are not as extreme as some of the aspies’s I have read about, and I don’t always have an obsessive interest. Writing this paper has been my special interest for the last few months. It has truly dominated my time and thoughts. I have often stayed up very late, or got out of bed in the middle of the night, because I think of something I want to write before I forget it. In a way I am happier when I have a special interest, but in a way not, because when I get involved in a hobby, it is truly consuming. There are projects that I lose interest in, and do not complete, but others that must be finished as quickly as humanly possible.
In the past 10 years or so, I have made an effort to limit my hobbies, because I realized that they were a problem. I would try to get my kids occupied with something, so I could work on my projects, then get irritated when I had to stop and fix lunch or resolve an argument. I remember for awhile, wanting to sew everyday, and feeling like I had not accomplished anything if I did not have a finished, or almost finished project that day. At some point I finally realized that my husband and four kids were much more important than my hobbies. It was hard, and at times I still obsessively clean, organize, read,or work on home projects, but I now try to remember that the project will still be there tomorrow, and I need to take breaks and spend time with my family.
Other aspie’s may or may not relate to these particular things: I have a hard time following the plot in complicated movies and books, I get the characters confused, and I cannot remember their names. I misinterpret important details and lose track of what is going on. Occasionally, I have a hard time figuring out why something I said was offensive. I reason that I do not need to apologize if someone misunderstood what I was trying to say, because what I was really trying to say, was not unkind, they just took it wrong. I have issues with facial recognition. Sometimes I cannot remember people if I have only talked to them a few times. If I meet two new people with the same hair color at around the same time, I have a hard time telling them apart later, and confuse conversations I had with them. I usually avoid speaking up in groups. Especially when I am nervous, I leave out important details, which leave my listeners confused. I have a hard time telling and remembering things in the right order. Aspie’s, sometimes assume other people know what we know (Theory of Mind).
I personally started to get along better socially, in my mid 20’s, and my understanding of social situations has continued to improve a lot since then, but I still don’t know what to do or say in some situations. For a lot of my life, I completely avoided initiating conversations with people that I did not know. When I first started trying, it usually did not go very well. I have finally learned how to ask questions, and to share a little about myself . I truly find people fascinating and love to hear about their lives and experiences. Some conversations follow a logical pattern, and aspie’s can learn appropriate responses, but there are some conversations that do not. Conversations that involve joking, teasing or flirting are confusing. Today, I have many great conversations with people, but I still have a fair amount of awkward exchanges, especially concerning social banter, as the following story illustrates.
I was taught from 
a young age to say “thank you” when someone complimented me on my red hair. Saying it was difficult at first, but I learned to do it; but what should I say when someone asks, “Where did you get that beautiful red hair?” Logically I can say, well…. my dad’s sister kind-of has red hair, but that never seemed to be the response they were looking for. People occasionally ask, “Can I have your hair?” Well, not sure what to say to that. Yes or no does not work, so I just nervously giggle and look away. Recently someone said, “I covet your hair.” Umm… Now I am really confused about what I should say. I get that they were teasing, and that it is a compliment, but what I should have said is still a mystery to me. My best guess is that I should have said something nice about their hair. I do know that just looking at them with a puzzled expression was not the proper response.
I remember even as a teen not knowing specifically what aspect of death made people sad. I remember suddenly realizing that I had to think about how I would feel if I was in the families’ position. I had thought people were sad when someone died, because that person was missing out on living. I suddenly realized that they were sad, because they would miss the person. I remember sharing my newly learned insight with my sister, needless to say, she was not impressed. My empathy skills were immature for my age. Because I had not personally experienced the death of someone close to me, I had a hard time being emotionally upset if someone I did not know experienced tragedy, or understanding how it affected their friends and family. I still have a hard time relating to some kinds of grief. In situations where I have personal experience, I believe that I feel and understand people’s pain and grief a lot. Strangely, when I see someone fall, I literally feel their pain, a wave of pain courses through my body. As a kid, sad movies never made me cry, I just found them disturbing, and did not like them at all. Now my eyes often tear up when I think about another person’s tragedy, and what they must be going through, or when I watch a sad movie, but I can usually keep myself from crying. I still do not like to cry, and I especially do not like to let anyone see me cry.
Some aspie’s have a problem knowing if or when a task is complete, which can be frustrating for parents and employers. The person may only do exactly what was specified. Some need detailed instructions and practical examples of exactly what they need to do. It is not because they are trying to do poor work, it is because they do not know the details of everything they need to do, and they may not think to ask questions like, “Is there anything else that you need me to do?” They may assume a job has been completed, when it is obvious to their parent or employer, that it is not. If the job is related to one of their interests, they may be very good at knowing what needs to be done, and how to do it. Other tasks where they have no prior experience may be confusing, but once they learn what is expected they will likely have no trouble doing it, and doing it well.
I remember when I was learning to drive, that I had trouble knowing what to do at intersections. I had to drive through a lot of different intersections before I felt comfortable with new ones. This has to do with an ASD trait. We may have a hard time applying what we learned in one situation, to another situation that is slightly different. This is an important thing for parents to understand, because some kids will learn not to run out into the street in front of their house, but they don’t understand that this also applies to not running into the streets at the park, or a friend’s house.
I hate to admit it, but what is contained in the following few paragraphs was a problem for me when I was growing up, and even into my 20’s. I think it will help others, to know why you may be having such a hard time getting through to your aspie, friend, spouse, or child. At least you can learn not to judge them so harshly for something that seems so obvious to you. For most people with AS subtle hints do not work! We need real life examples and compelling reasons. Many of us also have rigid thinking and do not like change. The following issue seems to be a pretty common for those with ASD, both in my own experience, and research. Some aspie’s will pick up on and understand these things more easily. For some, it may even be one of their special interest or talents. This is not necessarily just an ASD problem.
The big thing that many people with AS do not understand is the importance of hygiene, and dressing nice. Many of us do not understand why dress and hygiene are such a big deal to most people. We assume people are just being selfish and judgmental, and we do not understand why it matters. If I do not care or even notice that you have a big stain on your shirt, then surely, you don’t care if I do, right? I might smell a little, but who is going to notice or care anyway? This makes sense to an aspie brain. We likely have been told many times in nice and sometimes not so nice ways, but we just do not get it. Logically it just does not make sense to us. Therefore, we have a hard time putting in the extra effort that is required, to be neat and clean.
It can be a huge frustration for parents, because they can tell their kids over and over, that they need to brush their teeth, comb their hair, and shower, and even if their kid do it, they may not do it very well. Many parents do not realize that they cannot just tell their AS children to take a shower and get ready to go. You may need to spell out the details of exactly what that means, and everything that it entails. They may be missing important steps and get in the car before it is realized that they did not put on deodorant, comb their hair, or brush their teeth. They may also need to be told not to wear dirty, wrinkled, or worn out clothing, and may need an explanation of which clothes are dirty, wrinkled or worn out.
If I do not care about what you wear, why would you notice or care about what I wear? The truth is that the majority of people do notice, their brains are wired to notice. It is something their brain will not let them ignore. They do not get why some people choose to disregard what is so obvious and at times possibly even repulsive to them. We do not notice what people are wearing, or how they present themselves. It is not because we are not intelligent, it is because our brain does not see this information as important. We are busy and wrapped up in our own interests, and dressing nice seems so unimportant and like too much trouble.
If an aspie has never been up close and personal with someone who smells really bad, they may have a hard time making the connection of why this can be such a big deal. Even if they have, they may still need someone to make the connection for them, that yes, you really do smell that bad. If they have a poor sense of smell, you may need to convince them that it really is a problem, and that people are bothered by certain odors. People with AS do want friends, and they want to be accepted, and once they learn how and why dressing nice and being clean can help them, they may be more willing to comply.
It is hard for aspie’s to keep up with changing fashions. We may have a few favorite outfits and don’t want to wear anything else. We often dislike change, and do not trust or believe people who try to tell us what clothes or styles would look good on us. Anything different from what we are used to wearing looks really strange to us. Usually we need to trust the advice of friends or family who likely have been trying to help us for years. We may not realize that the clothes that are appropriate for one occasion, may be completely wrong for another, and may make you stand out in a bad way. I am not saying that we all need to carefully follow fashion trends, we just need learn to pay some attention to what people are wearing, and make an effort to dress appropriately. Often dressing in a unique, but somewhat accepted style is okay, but dressing in way that makes people want to stay away from you, or quietly snicker and point is a bad idea. In one of her books, Temple Grandin, mentions that after years of dressing poorly, she decided to wear western style clothes. Dressing in this way worked well for her, because the style does not change much, and she no longer had to try to keep up with the constantly evolving fashion trends.We often do not notice the changing fashions, or know how to properly execute them.
I think it is important for us to know why and how we are different, and instead of feeling down on ourselves for not fitting in, we can realize our strengths, and we can learn the skill we need to succeed in life. We can embrace our differences and excel in our talents. The great news is that people with AS can overcome their social difficulties, expand their interests, and develop meaningful relationships.
When social rules click for us, the transformation is amazing and unbelievable. Instead of walking into a crowded lunchroom and uncomfortably trying to find somewhere to sit, we find that someone has saved us a seat. People do not give us a funny look, when we approach, they smile and introduce us to their friends, and amazingly, they ask us to do things with them. It is an unbelievable feeling, after years of feeling unwanted, awkward, and like an outcast, that people finally accept and want to be around us. We finally realize that the small social things that we didn’t notice, or think were very important, really are.
Trying to help our kids who have AS takes a lot of wisdom. These kids need to be pushed to do new things, and to work outside of their comfort zone, but how much and how hard to push can be difficult to determine.
Writing is incredibly hard for me, but putting thoughts on paper seems to be the only way to make sense of all of these disconnected ideas in my brain. I have spent hours on every paragraph, writing and rewriting, arranging and rearranging. Still, the thought of sharing this, almost makes me sick. What if I explained it all wrong? What if people dislike me for writing it? What if I said too much about myself? What if people start incorrectly diagnosing themselves and their friends? Please take it for what it is, my thoughts and research on the subject. It is a very broad subject, and so much more could be said, asperger’s affects people in so many different ways. Thanks for reading.
My favorite book on Asperger’s is, “The Way I See It” A Personal look at Autism & Asperger’s, by Temple Grandin. I love Temple Grandin’s books, she shares a lot of practical information and insight. Another encouraging book is “be different” by John Elder Robinson. I also learned a lot from “The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome” by Tony Attwood, and “The Autistic Brain” by Temple Grandin. These are great books for anyone with social difficulties, or those wanting to know more about Autism or Asperger’s.
Written by S Dukes
There are also some great videos with Temple Grandin on YouTube.
The following link has the old version of the diagnostic criteria for Asperger’s:
http://www.autreat.com/dsm4-aspergers.html
This link shares the current diagnostic criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD):
Asperger Syndrome 